Sexy Milk, Frank Zappa, Stroller-Shaming, and More

Ten happenings from this week

Hello!

I hope this finds you even less motivated than my son’s dog, Obi.

Obi-Wan Ke-No Bones

1. I’ve been loving

   Phoebe Ward
   ’s café stories. Ditto
   Molly Moynahan
   ’s.

2. I’m still addicted to finding and favoriting funny tweets. Like:

   

   

   

3. I’ve been watching a ton of movies.

   P’s been out of town, so I’ve been snorting them up until he gets back to watch our current shows (The Diplomat, Industry, Entourage rewatch). Here’s what I’ve loved: Anora (don’t watch with your son!); The Substance (don’t watch with your aging body!); Emilia Perez (it’s not too much of a musical!); Babygirl (the milk scene’s still sexy even if you’re lactose intolerant!).

4. In my ongoing inability to quote movies, I texted this to Ty:

   

5. I laughed so hard:

   • At breakfast with my Hallmark dude friends when Frank Zappa came up, we were recalling his uniquely named kids: Moon Unit, Dweezil, Ahmet, and we couldn’t remember the fourth. “Jeff?” Dan said, as I spit oatmeal everywhere.

   • When my trivia teammate Valerie, referencing something we’d missed earlier, said, “I feel bad about the Civil War…question.” She paused so long, I sincerely thought she was just going to say “I feel bad about the Civil War.”

   • When a friend of my son’s thanked us for hosting him: “Your house is just so homely.” (Upon further research, only one of the seven twentysomethings knew what “homely” meant! OPEN THE SCHOOLS!)

6. There’s no easy way to say this.

   Much to Paul’s chagrin, I got a stroller for our dog June. (Divorce watch: back on?) She hates walking on a leash. She can’t hear well and when a car drives by, it terrifies her. Now that we live somewhere walkable, I want her out with me sometimes. Good news: she loves it! Bad news: on our second outing, a guy rode up on a bike, pointed and shouted for everyone around us to hear: “THAT LOOKS VERY SILLY!” We may have to move again.

   

   On her way to steal your man…’s dog

7. I used to write a page of nothingburger jokes every morning, just for the hell of it.

   I tweeted a handful before deciding I’m not a tweeter. Was v surprised and excited to see the one below featured in a joke-writing challenge. (Thank you,

   Julie Vick
   !)

   

8. New terms I love:

   • “Preschooling” = when you go drinking before school. (Thanks, Carolyn!)

   • “De-gen” = short for “degenerate.” (Thanks, Judd!)

   • “Psychic pollution” = the toxic energy of someone who pollutes the air around them. (Thanks, Processing: 100 Comics That Got Me Through It, by Tara Booth, pictured below!)

   

9. I met a dog in a hoodie named—get ready—BIGGIE!

   Hope he likes his bitches in strollers.

   

10. If I text you this, know that I’m headed out:

    

(See above),